Would you wear this?

This is ... strangely compelling. Like modern art. Except it's a shoe.

This is … strangely compelling. Like modern art. Except it’s a shoe.

These are heel rings. Perhaps you did not know there were such things. You’ll note one of them is blue. This is so you can resolve that insurmountable “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue” dilemma. Because clearly you can’t possibly get married otherwise.

I’m genuinely not sure what to make of these things. Bling is nice on a wedding day and all (one retail site suggests these are also great for casual or evening use. I don’t think they’ll fit on my purple Mary Janes, though). But this bling wrecks the smooth line of the heel. It sort of looks like the wearer aimed for her hand and missed. Also, not to be incredibly obvious about it, but if you’re wearing a poufy, heavy floor-length gown, who’s going to be able to see the backs of your shoes? Is your videographer bringing along a special “floor cam”?

Hey, if you actually would wear heel rings — if you’ve bought some for every single member of your wedding party so that all of you can sparkle identically from the extreme lower rear — knock yourself out. I just sit here amazed that every single time I think there couldn’t possibly be another way to drop money on a wedding, I am proven wrong.